My thoughts 48 *lost count*

Okay so I got a couple things to get off my chest at the moment.

as you guys know my grandmother died a while go. and it really fucked with my head and I'm pretty sure I failed a class because of it :I but whatever. I'll deal with that later :I So we just finished moving her stuff into our little ass house and we have boxes and shit all over and its driving my mom fucking crazy XD She yelled at us today because we stopped moving shit around and we have a whole shit load of stuff to do still. We still have to bury her, well technically she wants to be cremated so burn her.

So because she's not alive anymore we have really no reason to stay where we are so we will probably be moving again and I have to admit I'm kinda looking forward to it. I mean, I HATE moving but yeah . . . I don't see any point in staying in the cities. I don't like the cities and I'm looking forward to maybe finding myself a job at a horse ranch again. I actually miss shoveling horse shit if you can believe it XD

But my point for this really is this ~

I'm sure everyone has had this happen to them. There outside, walking around or some shit and some random person hits on them and your just like 'gross'.

Okay so this happens to me, more then I like. 

I'll be honest. I'm not that good looking. You can say 'oh I'm sure your not that bad' or 'your relly pretty why would you say that?'. Because I'm the one looking at myself in the mirror and that's what I see and I'm not a liar, especially to myself :I . I wear sweat pants like 65% of the time and if I don't I'm wearing something baggy and loose and kinda formless to help hide my giant fucking boobs :I (I am not stretching the truth I am a DD and I fucking hate it) So when I get hit on I just kinda look around like 'who are you talking to, bro?' then I realize they were talking about ME. and I get disgusted. Like dude, I don't know you. You could be thinking about like, raping me or some shit. and I'm supposed to be what? flattered you decided to playfully pay attention to me while passing me on the sidewalk?

Hell no, bruh.

I don't if its because I'm fat. I am fat. I know I'm fat. I'm obese. and I'm okay with it. I can lose some weight but I'm not going to try dieting all crazy. Starving myself so I can fit into those cute skinny people jeans. but no I am fat and I'm okay with being fat. I like my body just the way it is and sure i could be skinnier but why stress about it? stress just makes your fatter :I

I got off topic here  XD

But I have had guys drive past me, honk their horn and yell something along the lines of 'hey baby! can I get your #?' and I just kinda ignore them and flip them off in my head. I have had this guy who looked old enough to be my father, stop in front of me while I'm standing at the fucking BUS STOP and ask me if I wanted a ride. I'm at a fucking bus stop dude. I don't need you to drive me to my house. I'm not stupid you fucking pedo turd!! Like oh my god guys! I've been walking into a store and a guy says 'nice ass' and I'm like 'don't look at my ass!' but I can't really say something because I live in the hood. wrong word to some body and you'll get shot or jumped or some shit. But you have NO IDEA how bad I want to put the guys in their fucking place okay. Like most are ALOT older then me. and they just start talking to me asking me for my # or Facebook and I of course have to lie and say I don't have a phone, my phone doesn't work or I don't have a Facebook. And if their really really persistent I have to lie and say I have a boyfriend. Like fuck guys. I shouldn't have to go that far.

This one guy at a bus stop I was in a pissy mood and he comes over, makes me smile and starts a conversation. I can't just stop talking to him because I'm waiting for my bus so I tell a whole bunch of lies to keep him off my ass. He asks for my #, my Facebook, my email, just like anyway to get in contact with me and I'm just like 'I don't have any of those' and I know he knows I'm lying but I just play it off like 'the people who need to get a hold of me know how to.' like thats fucked up.

It got so bad my mom offered to get me maze. Like this causes me stress. I don't like being hit on, especially from strangers I don't know shit about. I have be stalked before and I just. . . I don't trust anyone :I especially people I don't know. Like I was being stalked by a stage 4 rapist who got caught at the library I visited often looking at child porn on the computers. He's just lucky my step father and his brothers didn't catch him first. Cuz if they had caught him he'd be dead.

And occasionally I'll get hit on by a girl and I have the same reaction but not as bad. I don't know why I'm more okay with girls hitting on me the guys but I just am. I can't explain this one much. It doesn't happen often.

On another note.

I'm becoming convinced I'm a man suck in a woman's body. I told my mom that and she's like so you like girls? and I said 'I didn't say I was a straight man' I don't know I'm just confusing myself trying to fit inside one of those pretty little boxes everyone has set out. I don't fit perfectly in any of them so I'm just standing in front of all of them trying to figure out which one is the best fit. and that's just confusing me more. So I'm just going to put a foot in bisexual and another in gender-queer, a hand in pansexual the other in transgender and wear the unknown box proudly on top of my head, like a hat.

~~~~~

*looks up* Damn this thing is long and I wrote it at 1 in the morning :I but whatever I needed to vent and so I did. you don't need to read this to the end or whatever.

But if you did thanks :3

Until next time bros :3